When I work in preschools and in my private practice with
kiddos and their families, I often begin by determining the achievement levels
of four basic needs to inform my treatment strategies. These basic needs are
easy to understand and I find I go back to them time and time again when trying
to decipher the meaning behind a child’s behavior. Lately, I’ve been examining
the significance of these needs when working with couples and have found interesting
parallels in relationships where one or both partners are missing one or more
of these ‘C’ achievements. In passing
these along to you, my hope is you can find and make connections in your
child’s, partner’s, or even self’s behavior and take the skills below to foster
these Four
Crucial C’s in your relationships. As always, I’m interested in hearing
your success stories as you try to make changes in your home!
Much like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs,
The Four Crucial C’s posit that all of us have an intrinsic and developmental
need to achieve Connection, Capability, Counting, and Courage. The way in which we
view ourselves and interact with our surrounding world is dependent on the
healthy attainment of these feelings and beliefs. Ideally, these
are achieved in childhood, and much of the descriptions below will offer
insights to help you grow these in your child. However, I challenge you to
examine your own mastery of these beliefs, or find patterns in the important
adults in your life, and make adjustments to help improve those relationships,
too! As I always say, healthy external relationships first begin with positive
relationships with yourself; how can you apply the Four
Crucial C’s in your most important attachments?
1) Connection
Connection begins in early attachment.
People inherently need to feel secure, have a safe emotional landing, and
believe that they belong. Our sense of connection enables us to reach out to
others, establish trusting relationships, and work well with others. When connection is underdeveloped or missing, children will attempt
to receive attention in any way they can get it. Any
attention, to them, is better than no attention. Negative attention-seeking
behaviors, susceptibility to peer-pressure, low attachment to others, and even
isolation can be sure signs of that a child, or adult, is lacking a solid
feeling of connection. If you suspect connection is at the core of concerning
behaviors in your home:
A)
Follow your child’s
lead. Show interest in their hobbies and spend quality time with them learning
about the things they love
B)
Freely give positive
attention and do it often! Try ignoring the little things they do (provided it’s
safe and doesn't break big rules) that are negative attention-seeking. A little
noticing of all they do well or all you love about them can go a really long
way.
C)
Accept them-inwardly
and outwardly. Recognize their strengths and qualities. Resist criticizing
their weaknesses.
2) Capability
We all need a sense of achievement and
mastery. Confidence in knowing we can do things helps us not only feel competent
and worthy, but actually increases our self-control. If we feel inadequate,
we can learn to become dependent on others for validation. A child or partner
who believes they “can’t” will try to control others or behave defiantly;
relying on power to fill their inadequacy void. To foster capability in your
home:
A)
Provide
opportunities to achieve tasks or skills independently. Encourage all efforts
and resist doing for your loved one what they can do for themselves.
B)
Use mistakes as a
learning opportunity. Avoid correcting or criticizing. Reflect with your child
or partner on the mistake and work together to set a plan to achieve success
next time. Model or demonstrate the
behaviors or actions you’d like to see.
C)
Notice and
appreciate improvement, do not seek perfection.
3) Counting
This one is all about value. “Do I matter?
Do I contribute? Do I have a purpose?” We all want, and need, to feel
significant. When our value is validated and our contributions are appreciated,
we gain a sense of worth and are better equipped to meet, and assume,
responsibilities. Feelings of insignificance breed revenge. When we don’t
believe we count, we may meet hurt with hurt and fight pain with inflicting pain;
attempting to get our needs met through anger and aggression Try implementing
these antidotes in your home:
A)
Offer choices.
Children feel significant when they are able to make choices, big or small, and
have a say in outcomes.
B)
Promote contribution.
Ensure that every member in your family has tasks and responsibilities that contribute
to the greater good of the family. Appreciate these contributions often.
C)
Discuss what is
going well or needs improvement often.
Allow others to share their opinions and do not discredit those
opinions.
4) Courage
Courage assumes we have the ability and
strength to handle whatever comes our way. In order to face challenges and
create resiliency, we have to believe we can get through obstacles. We feel equal,
confident, and hopeful about our futures and abilities. When we lack courage, we
feel less than; inferior. Often, those lacking courage will
simply choose not to try. They are defeated before they begin. There is no hope
or optimism. You will notice this in your home as task avoidance, forgetfulness
to complete tasks, frustration in attempting to do things, avoidance of
relationships, and giving up easily. To build up the courage banks in your
loved ones:
A)
Make your words and
actions scream “I believe in you!” Become
a master encourager. Be sincere.
B)
Validate
frustration. Recognize the fear. “I know you are frustrated, it can be scary to
try.”
C)
Make “try your best”
your household mantra versus “practice makes perfect.”
D)
Leave competition to
the sports fields. Cooperation should be the goal in your home, not a
competition. Resist comparisons to others, one-upping, or statements that
suggest your child or partner don’t have what it takes to get the job done.
E)
Replace their “I
can’t’s” with “How can I help you believe that you can?”
When I first learned these concepts in my training, I, of
course, took a good look at how I was or was not supporting them in my own
relationships. Initially, I thought, “Easy! Of course I’m doing those things,”
but further examination proved that while I had the basics down, I was not
actively or intentionally implementing these tools. In some areas, I found that I was actually
impeding these growth points. I had to ask myself how often I was encouraging
or supportive, how quickly I grew frustrated or how many times I ignored the
signs. Once again, learning new skills
takes practice. We will not do it well or right away, but any effort is a step
in the emotionally healthy direction. Just being aware of the behaviors in your
home, and taking a look at what they might mean will increase your ability to
address them with fostering the Four C’s, I promise!
