Fortify Your Marriage

Call me crazy, but I love working with couples in conflict. Many therapists I know describe the experience of couples work as exhausting and frustrating, but for me, it is fascinating and rewarding. I have found that a vast majority of couples who have entered my office come to me with the same issue. They have stopped working together as a team. They are succumbing to external life situations and instead of working together, they have begun fighting each other. Most of the couples with whom I work are actively engaged in tearing down the walls around their relationship which serve to protect them.  And so, much to their surprise at first, I guide them in identifying their foundation, and rebuilding their fortresses.

At first, this can be a bit shocking to the couple.  By the time many couples seek help, they are under attack from a slew of enemies; financial woes, in-law strife, parenting issues, job-loss, deployment, illness, and other life stressors. They want an ally in fending off their enemies.  They request my help in battling these foes and creating battle plans to attack and fight back. Asking them to ignore the enemy which has already infiltrated the marriage and focus instead on engineering their fortress to keep the enemy out seems counter-intuitive. But it works. Enemies will always be at the gate of a marriage, but if that gate is iron-clad, they will never get in.

You see, many couples who seem to be in constant conflict with each other have allowed their safe places to crumble and fall into disrepair. Maybe they have patched up a few holes here and there, but by the time a major life transition or event occurs in their life, the weight of that attack is far stronger and conflict seeps into every crack and break and they are overcome.  Learning how to fortify your marriage is essential to being equipped to battle the many enemies that life throws at us. When couples begin a difficult life conflict, event, or circumstance with a safe and protective base to retreat to, they are far more likely to overcome it without major casualty. I work with couples to learn how to unify in order to battle together.

While this is a process that takes time and energy with many variables, here is a starter list that you can begin applying to your relationship today. Examine the cracks and holes in the walls of your marriage, roll up your sleeves, and get to work on repairing and fortifying with these basic steps!

• Join Forces: Seek out your partner. Turn towards them instead of running away from.   In an effort to create an effective team, you must first create trust and commitment. This can occur in both small and large ways. This one is about emotional connectedness and safety. Make efforts every day to offer and accept emotional bids to and from your partner. Think of this as building up the emotional bank account. Hug and kiss them each day. Text a random “thinking of you” daily. When you get yourself a glass of water, ask if they’d like one too. Accept these gestures from your partner as well. When we practice making emotional deposits in our accounts, we are strengthening the walls of trust and commitment.  This is often the first break I see in relationships; when life starts bombing us with stress and pain, one or both partners go inward and shut out the other. Seek each other out, instead. Run to the other for shelter.

• Battle Buddies: Assume the best in your partner. This one is tough sometimes, isn’t it? When we are the most stressed, we are the most sensitive. It is easy to perceive every word and action of our partner as a threat. Choose instead to assume the best intention. Challenge your own thinking. Did your husband really forget to take the dog to the vet to make your life more stressful or did it really slip his mind because he is so busy at work?  Did your wife take over the kids’ conflict because she doesn’t trust you to handle it or because she knows what a bad day you had and is trying to take some stress off your plate? When we choose to believe the best about our partner, we choose trust and love- which are powerful enemy-fighting weapons.

• Battle Plan: This is your strategy, your ground rules. You wouldn’t just run towards the enemy with no strategy or direction, so nor should you expect to resolve conflict with your spouse without rules of engagement. This is an activity to do together. When conflict arises, what are the dos and don’ts? Will you take time outs when it escalates? Will you set aside conflict resolutions meetings each week? Will you use I statements or speaker-listener techniques? Will you separate discussing problems and solving problems? How will you make repair attempts when the rules are broken? I suggest putting these rules in writing and posting them to a wall, fridge, or mirror. Something really magical happens every time you successfully engage conflict while following your rules. You both begin to feel successful and solving solvable problems. You both begin to trust that you can be a team and work together. You grow intimacy and safety.

• Identify your Mission:  Define your expectations! You wouldn’t go to war without making sure everyone on your team knew the battle plan, right? Why then, do we forget to talk to our partners about what we need, want, and expect. Someone told me once that unspoken expectations are future resentments.  So true. It is unfair for me to expect my husband to know that I’ve had a bad day and need 10 mins to myself unless I tell him. If I rely on hoping that he will see my face when I walk in the door and suggest I take 10 mins alone, I may be disappointed. He may have had an equally rough day. I must be able to communicate my needs and expectations.

•  Camaraderie: Grow your friendship. Your partner is your battle buddy, remember? Grow your friendship, grow your intimacy. Set aside time each day to learn about your partner, laugh with your partner, and confide in your partner. When you need to vent about work, kids, family, friends etc. vent to your partner first. A wonderful activity to help foster your friendship is the Intimacy Vase. Put questions and topics on pieces of small paper and throw them all in a vase or bowl. Make it a ritual to pull one paper a day and discuss with your partner, even if just briefly. Join your partner in doing things that are meaningful to them. Invite them to do the same with you. Date night. Make conscious efforts to feed the friendship.

I encourage you to begin taking a look at how you can fortify your marriage with these basic strategies today. While these tools won’t prevent life attacks, they will strengthen your relationship’s ability to fight them off.  Marriage is hard work! Assess the holes and cracks you may have in your marriage walls and get to work on them today. You’ll be so glad you did, I promise!

The Four Things We All Need (but especially your kids)

When I work in preschools and in my private practice with kiddos and their families, I often begin by determining the achievement levels of four basic needs to inform my treatment strategies. These basic needs are easy to understand and I find I go back to them time and time again when trying to decipher the meaning behind a child’s behavior. Lately, I’ve been examining the significance of these needs when working with couples and have found interesting parallels in relationships where one or both partners are missing one or more of these ‘C’ achievements.  In passing these along to you, my hope is you can find and make connections in your child’s, partner’s, or even self’s behavior and take the skills below to foster these Four Crucial C’s in your relationships. As always, I’m interested in hearing your success stories as you try to make changes in your home!

Much like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, The Four Crucial C’s posit that all of us have an intrinsic and developmental need to achieve Connection, Capability, Counting, and Courage. The way in which we view ourselves and interact with our surrounding world is dependent on the healthy attainment of these feelings and beliefs. Ideally, these are achieved in childhood, and much of the descriptions below will offer insights to help you grow these in your child. However, I challenge you to examine your own mastery of these beliefs, or find patterns in the important adults in your life, and make adjustments to help improve those relationships, too! As I always say, healthy external relationships first begin with positive relationships with yourself; how can you apply the Four Crucial C’s in your most important attachments?

       1) Connection

Connection begins in early attachment. People inherently need to feel secure, have a safe emotional landing, and believe that they belong. Our sense of connection enables us to reach out to others, establish trusting relationships, and work well with others.  When connection is underdeveloped or missing, children will attempt to receive attention in any way they can get it. Any attention, to them, is better than no attention. Negative attention-seeking behaviors, susceptibility to peer-pressure, low attachment to others, and even isolation can be sure signs of that a child, or adult, is lacking a solid feeling of connection. If you suspect connection is at the core of concerning behaviors in your home:

A)     Follow your child’s lead. Show interest in their hobbies and spend quality time with them learning about the things they love

B)      Freely give positive attention and do it often! Try ignoring the little things they do (provided it’s safe and doesn't break big rules) that are negative attention-seeking. A little noticing of all they do well or all you love about them can go a really long way.

C)      Accept them-inwardly and outwardly. Recognize their strengths and qualities. Resist criticizing their weaknesses.

      2) Capability

We all need a sense of achievement and mastery. Confidence in knowing we can do things helps us not only feel competent and worthy, but actually increases our self-control. If we feel inadequate, we can learn to become dependent on others for validation. A child or partner who believes they “can’t” will try to control others or behave defiantly; relying on power to fill their inadequacy void. To foster capability in your home:

A)     Provide opportunities to achieve tasks or skills independently. Encourage all efforts and resist doing for your loved one what they can do for themselves.

B)      Use mistakes as a learning opportunity. Avoid correcting or criticizing. Reflect with your child or partner on the mistake and work together to set a plan to achieve success next time.  Model or demonstrate the behaviors or actions you’d like to see.

C)      Notice and appreciate improvement, do not seek perfection.

3) Counting

This one is all about value. “Do I matter? Do I contribute? Do I have a purpose?” We all want, and need, to feel significant. When our value is validated and our contributions are appreciated, we gain a sense of worth and are better equipped to meet, and assume, responsibilities. Feelings of insignificance breed revenge. When we don’t believe we count, we may meet hurt with hurt and fight pain with inflicting pain; attempting to get our needs met through anger and aggression Try implementing these antidotes in your home:

A)     Offer choices. Children feel significant when they are able to make choices, big or small, and have a say in outcomes.

B)      Promote contribution. Ensure that every member in your family has tasks and responsibilities that contribute to the greater good of the family. Appreciate these contributions often.

C)      Discuss what is going well or needs improvement often.  Allow others to share their opinions and do not discredit those opinions.

4) Courage

Courage assumes we have the ability and strength to handle whatever comes our way. In order to face challenges and create resiliency, we have to believe we can get through obstacles. We feel equal, confident, and hopeful about our futures and abilities. When we lack courage, we feel less than; inferior. Often, those lacking courage will simply choose not to try. They are defeated before they begin. There is no hope or optimism. You will notice this in your home as task avoidance, forgetfulness to complete tasks, frustration in attempting to do things, avoidance of relationships, and giving up easily. To build up the courage banks in your loved ones:

A)     Make your words and actions scream “I believe in you!”  Become a master encourager. Be sincere.

B)      Validate frustration. Recognize the fear. “I know you are frustrated, it can be scary to try.”

C)      Make “try your best” your household mantra versus “practice makes perfect.”

D)     Leave competition to the sports fields. Cooperation should be the goal in your home, not a competition. Resist comparisons to others, one-upping, or statements that suggest your child or partner don’t have what it takes to get the job done.

E)      Replace their “I can’t’s” with “How can I help you believe that you can?”

When I first learned these concepts in my training, I, of course, took a good look at how I was or was not supporting them in my own relationships. Initially, I thought, “Easy! Of course I’m doing those things,” but further examination proved that while I had the basics down, I was not actively or intentionally implementing these tools.  In some areas, I found that I was actually impeding these growth points. I had to ask myself how often I was encouraging or supportive, how quickly I grew frustrated or how many times I ignored the signs.  Once again, learning new skills takes practice. We will not do it well or right away, but any effort is a step in the emotionally healthy direction. Just being aware of the behaviors in your home, and taking a look at what they might mean will increase your ability to address them with fostering the Four C’s, I promise!

Anger is an Iceberg

image via calebthompson.io

What if I told you that anger wasn’t a “real” emotion? Would you believe me? It feels real enough, right? Physiologically, our bodies have a very real response to anger: sweaty palms, increased heart rate, tightened chest, tense muscles, stomach flutters, and even falling tears. Of course, it’s real……right?! The answer is, well, sort of.

How many emotion words can you name? A lot, huh? Like really; a whole bunch! While having a large vocabulary to describe your emotions, known as “feelings literacy”, has tremendous interpersonal benefits, there are only a small handful of primary human emotions. Many different theorists posit a different number ranging from just three basic emotions up to eight. For the purpose of understanding anger in this discussion, we are going with three. Just 3 primary human emotions: joy, fear, and pain (hurt).  But wait- what about that powerful and all-consuming anger? Well, friends, anger is an iceberg- a secondary emotion.

Before I explain, let’s clear up Anger’s tarnished reputation. Anger is not a “bad” emotion. We flawed and imperfect humans do tend to behave negatively when angry, but at its core, anger is a necessary and healthy response.  Understanding the basics of anger, and all that lies beneath its icy mass, will help diffuse it. Identifying where your anger originates can make the difference between controlling it vs. it controlling you.

Anger only appears when your primary fears or pains are activated. Anger is only the small visible part of a deep and large mass of vulnerability. It serves to protect you. It is a primal defense when your “fight or flight” response is triggered. Anger can be likened to a mama bear protecting her cubs. Anger is the hard exterior that protects our mushy parts. It is only the small surface that can be seen of the iceberg, blocking our view of the pain, hurt, sadness, fears, worries, and doubts underneath. So, why does it get such a bad rap? In short, because we are at our stupidest when we are at our angriest. Anger, left unmanaged, can cause us to be pretty destructive and have serious health implications. It is not possible to not feel angry, but it is possible to feel it in a healthy way. Anger cannot be eliminated, but it can be managed!!

image via www.wakingtimes.com

   Acknowledge

Anger is an egotistical, demanding, and attention-seeking force. You must acknowledge Anger and the power it has.  If you fail to notice it, it will increase its intensity until you lose control. What does this look like? It means noticing your body cues and saying, “Wow, I’m angry.”  Remember that anger isn’t bad. It is a sign of brewing feelings underneath.  Validate those feelings. Even if you are not yet sure what they are. A simple act of giving yourself permission to sit in your anger (briefly) or others to feel theirs can take away the hold Anger often has on us.

 Investigate

image via
gsa-goeienuus.blogspot.com

 Next time you are angry, ask yourself if you are scared or hurt. Initially, the answer may not come with ease. But remember that all those words we have for feelings can be categorized under the primary emotions. When that idiot in the huge SUV pulled out in front of you, I bet you were pretty mad, huh? But I wonder if you were scared that he almost made you wreck, or felt hurt that he insensitively dismissed your safety. What about when your partner chose to stay glued to Facebook on Friday night instead of hanging out with you? Did you go to bed pissed off? I’m willing to bet you felt ignored, activating your fear of rejection or inadequacy. Once you have an idea of which vulnerability is fueling your anger, you can accept it and let the anger dissipate.

How about when others feel angry with you? Would it be helpful for you to be able to assess the size and depth of their Anger Iceberg?  When your boss is angry that you missed a deadline, could you help diffuse the situation by acknowledging that she must have felt hurt that you didn’t value her request? And when your teenage daughter grows angry at you for saying no to that sleepover? Could she be embarrassed (hurt) that she is the only one of her friends not attending? Could she be scared of the social implications?

image via fiveinthechamber.com

    Take Action

 I’ve said before that the first and best way to improve your relationships is to first enter into intentional and loving relationship with yourself. Getting to understand your anger is a crucial step in that process. Being vulnerable is, well, scary! It’s hard.  It will take time. Start now by looking back on the times in your life that anger has had a negative effect on your relationships. 
Could you re-write your anger stories by inserting ‘I’ statements, instead?  “I am scared of____or hurt when you_____” Could you help your loved ones diffuse their anger, and more willingly take accountability for your role by acknowledging their vulnerable primary emotions, too? “I know you are angry. When I ______, it must have caused you to feel pretty scared of_____ or hurt”

It’s okay to feel angry! It’s healthy to protect your innermost hurts and fears. Accept and acknowledge your anger next time you feel heated. Then, enter into a personal investigation within to determine its origin. Assess the damage and your next move. Remember the Titanic? How different would things have been had they acknowledged the power of that iceberg and made the corrections necessary to change their direction?  Like the Titanic crew, you, too, have an opportunity to chart a different course.  Anger loses its control over you and your loved ones when you spend some time examining your inner maps, I promise!