Sunday, January 10, 2016

New Year, New You...But Should You?



Picture via www.alifeoverseas.com


Everyone does it. How about you? New Year’s Resolutions have become an expectation, a tradition, and a social-cultural requirement. Oh the pressure! The shame if you don’t succeed! With setting resolutions comes an enormous amount of fear and guilt. If you are like most people, you are riddled with shame from all of the past years’ goals that weren’t quite met; all the times you said you were going to make a change but never quite followed through. No worries! Only 8% of people who make resolutions actually stick to them. While “fresh year, fresh start” seems like a good enough reason to set new goals for yourself, setting a goal simply because it’s “what we do” is not enough to gain and keep momentum.

I’ve written about making changes before. It’s hard. Change is a process that must be intentional and begin with investment. I am not saying NOT to make changes and set goals. Quite the opposite, really. I am suggesting that before you embark on an emotionally-charged journey of changing traits and habits, take a long, hard look at your WHY. What’s driving you to set the goals you want to set? HOW will making this change impact you and those around you?  Instead of focusing on what you have to lose, focus instead on what you stand to gain. Are you committed to losing weight, giving up cigarettes, being kinder, reading more, ceasing yelling, spending more time with family etc. because YOU WANT to  or because you or others believe you SHOULD?
image via bigfouroh.blogspot.com

A brilliant therapist (my therapist) told me once that “Shoulds, Woulds, and Coulds are crazy-makers”. Truth! When clients come to me with therapeutic goals and frustration that they keep falling short of achieving them, I can almost always trace their “failure” back to a case of the Evil Shoulds. You see, my friends, each and every one of us has been programmed, trained,  and conditioned to believe in Shoulds.  We should be, do, feel, say….We have heard these early. We hear them daily. And while many of them are true (we should drink water to stay healthy, we should be respectful to others) we simply cannot subscribe to them all based on Should alone.

Change can only truly occur when you are bought in to your own goal. Are you trying to eat healthier because your doctor says you should or because living longer and feeling better  is meaningful to YOU? Are you trying to be more patient during rush hour traffic because it’s the right thing to do or because you truly want to become a calmer driver? Shoulds can provide guidelines, but only you can provide motivation. Find your inner motivation. Find your gains. Find your Wants vs. the Shoulds. Only then, can you create the kind of lasting and significant change that fulfills you, and only then can you work to achieve the goals you set.

How do you quiet the external Shoulds in order to hear your inner wants/needs? 

Investigate! 

  • To start, take 2 minutes and write down every single thing you think you might like to change. Make it an exhaustive and all-inclusive list. 
  • Once you have that list, I challenge you to investigate each item. Ask yourself why you want to change it, what will you gain, how will your life improve? If any of your answers include “should”, explore it. Who says you should? Your spouse, doctor, media, boss? Do you believe it? Are you invested? Do YOU think you should? 
  • If you find that you have empty should on your list, toss it out. Keep only the changes you truly desire. Your list will be smaller, more achievable, and realistic.  

  • Once your list is ready, pick just 1-3 you want to tackle first. Take note of these awesome tips on how to set yourself up for success, and beware of the Shoulds
Life is freer and more fulfilling when you set goals that you are truly invested in, I promise!

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