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Picture via www.alifeoverseas.com |
Everyone does it. How about you? New Year’s
Resolutions have become an expectation, a tradition, and a social-cultural
requirement. Oh the pressure! The shame if you don’t succeed! With setting
resolutions comes an enormous amount of fear and guilt. If you are like most
people, you are riddled with shame from all of the past years’ goals that
weren’t quite met; all the times you said you were going to make a change but
never quite followed through. No worries! Only
8% of people who make resolutions actually stick to
them. While “fresh year, fresh start” seems like a good enough reason to set
new goals for yourself, setting a goal simply because it’s “what we do” is not
enough to gain and keep momentum.
I’ve written
about making changes before. It’s hard. Change is a process that must be
intentional and begin with investment. I am not saying NOT to make changes and
set goals. Quite the opposite, really. I am suggesting that before you embark
on an emotionally-charged journey of changing traits and habits, take a long, hard
look at your WHY. What’s driving you to set the goals you want to set? HOW will
making this change impact you and those around you? Instead of focusing on what you have to lose, focus instead on what you stand to
gain. Are you committed to losing
weight, giving up cigarettes, being kinder, reading more, ceasing yelling,
spending more time with family etc. because YOU WANT to or because you or others believe you SHOULD?
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image via bigfouroh.blogspot.com |
A brilliant therapist (my therapist) told me once
that “Shoulds, Woulds, and Coulds are crazy-makers”. Truth! When clients come
to me with therapeutic goals and frustration that they keep falling short of
achieving them, I can almost always trace their “failure” back to a case of the
Evil Shoulds. You see, my friends, each and every one of us has been
programmed, trained, and conditioned to
believe in Shoulds. We should be, do,
feel, say….We have heard these early. We hear them daily. And while many of them
are true (we should drink water to stay healthy, we should be respectful to
others) we simply cannot subscribe to them all based on Should alone.
Change can only truly occur when you are bought in
to your own goal. Are you trying to eat healthier because your doctor says you
should or because living longer and feeling better is meaningful to YOU? Are you trying to be
more patient during rush hour traffic because it’s the right thing to do or
because you truly want to become a calmer driver? Shoulds can provide
guidelines, but only you can provide motivation. Find your inner motivation.
Find your gains. Find your Wants vs. the Shoulds. Only then, can you create the
kind of lasting and significant change that fulfills you, and only then can you
work to achieve the goals you set.
How do you quiet the external Shoulds in order to
hear your inner wants/needs?
Investigate!
- To start, take 2 minutes and write down every single thing you think you might like to change. Make it an exhaustive and all-inclusive list.
- Once you have that list, I challenge you to investigate each item. Ask yourself why you want to change it, what will you gain, how will your life improve? If any of your answers include “should”, explore it. Who says you should? Your spouse, doctor, media, boss? Do you believe it? Are you invested? Do YOU think you should?
- If you find that you have empty should on your list, toss it out. Keep only the changes you truly desire. Your list will be smaller, more achievable, and realistic.
- Once your list is ready, pick just 1-3 you want to tackle first. Take note of these awesome tips on how to set yourself up for success, and beware of the Shoulds.
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