3 Ways to Ignite the Sparks of Change

(image via alchemical_weddings.com)

“You’re like wildfire! You’re burning out of control and so is everyone around you,” he said with frustration and silent surrender.

 My first instinct upon hearing my husband’s hurtful words were to defend and justify.

“Out of control?” I yelled back with indignation. “I’m the one who keeps it all together for everyone!”

That argument, due in part to a vicious cycle of criticism and defensiveness, did not get resolved that night. Or that week. In fact, the next month was icy, lonely, and carried with it an unsettling uncertainty about the future of my marriage.

There was a laundry list of complaints from both sides. Some meaningful, some petty. I was scared. I saw a distance from my husband I had never seen before. I saw, for the first time, his true dissatisfaction with our relationship and watched him place one proverbial foot out the door. I realized something needed to change. 

 His word, wildfire, haunted me. My complaints, mostly surrounding inequality in household and parenting responsibilities, although valid, seemed dim in comparison to him feeling burned by me each and every day. 

 I could have, and did many times, bathe in thoughts like, “that’s not true. That’s not fair. I wouldn’t be this way if only he would help more, be different, change his ways, and see it my way, do it my way, compromise more.” 

 But, I realized that his feeling was his perception and strong enough to create an undeniable rift of resentment between us. I was forced to take a long hard look at my role in this cycle.

The “wildfire” he spoke of was my constant need to control. Everything. I came home after long days and ripped through the family, like wildfire, with my barks, demands, criticisms, micro-management, and passive aggressive statements that conveyed that nothing, and no one, was good enough. I burned through my children’s confidence and scorched my husband’s sense of value. All the while, I was self-imposing all the expectations and responsibilities on myself, martyring myself, feeling like superwoman for balancing it all, and actually falsely proud of the tight ship I was running. From my own fears of inadequacy, I had become a control-freak and those I loved the most were paying the price.  

So, I took a scary, painful, and uncomfortable leap of faith. I decided to change. And. It. Was. HARD.

Here are three nuggets this experience, and the many successful transformations of my clients, have taught me about how to start the process of change in self and relationships. 

1) Life IS fair-when you learn to accept life on life’s terms.  In life, everything has a season. Sometimes it throws everything at you and laughs while doing it. Other times, it flows smoothly and peacefully. It balances itself out when we learn to see life through a different lens. Instead of focusing on all that is wrong, and hard, and “not fair”, we can learn to let go of the things that we truly can’t control.  While we can influence others and situations, we can’t ever control them. I learned to let go of my unreasonable expectations. If I came home and my family was happy, I learned that the reward of that was greater than the dishes being clean. I learned to share control, working smarter, not harder. I softened my expectations, and the language of my requests, and more got done.  We made a chore chart as a family, and created a calendar. I started expressing appreciation for everything that did get done vs. focusing on all that hadn’t. We smile more. We laugh often. In accepting and letting go, I have more “control” than ever.

    

      2)Crawl First. Change is a slow burn. It is daunting; it can feel defeating before you even begin. Set small goals. If you have 10 goals. Start with one. Master it. Celebrate the smallest success. Accomplishment, or pride, sets off “feel good” hormones in the brain, and becomes addicting. Every time I resisted the urge to control, through self-talk, deep breathing, and sometimes simply walking away, I gave myself an internal high-five. It felt great, it felt successful. Whenever I saw my husband relax, I saw it was working. Set small daily goals, slowly increasing the level of difficulty, and frequency of the replacement behavior (for me, this was being grateful). Set yourself up for success. You can’t run a marathon if you have never trained. Change is no different.

     

    3)Talk in I, not You. Remember that your goal is your own change. Remember you cannot change anyone else. All you own is your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. When in conversation with others, focus on your realm of control and accountability. “I feel overwhelmed when you leave a mess in the kitchen. Could you please pick up when you're done? What can I do to help make that happen?” feels and sounds much better than, “I’m always cleaning up after you. You don’t help me!” What can YOU do to change? How can YOUR actions change and possibly influence the actions of others?

Change is NOT easy. But even small splashes create a large ripple. Accept the things you cannot change. Change the things you can. Life feels a heckuva lot more balanced and fair when you do. I promise.