The Four Things We All Need (but especially your kids)

When I work in preschools and in my private practice with kiddos and their families, I often begin by determining the achievement levels of four basic needs to inform my treatment strategies. These basic needs are easy to understand and I find I go back to them time and time again when trying to decipher the meaning behind a child’s behavior. Lately, I’ve been examining the significance of these needs when working with couples and have found interesting parallels in relationships where one or both partners are missing one or more of these ‘C’ achievements.  In passing these along to you, my hope is you can find and make connections in your child’s, partner’s, or even self’s behavior and take the skills below to foster these Four Crucial C’s in your relationships. As always, I’m interested in hearing your success stories as you try to make changes in your home!

Much like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, The Four Crucial C’s posit that all of us have an intrinsic and developmental need to achieve Connection, Capability, Counting, and Courage. The way in which we view ourselves and interact with our surrounding world is dependent on the healthy attainment of these feelings and beliefs. Ideally, these are achieved in childhood, and much of the descriptions below will offer insights to help you grow these in your child. However, I challenge you to examine your own mastery of these beliefs, or find patterns in the important adults in your life, and make adjustments to help improve those relationships, too! As I always say, healthy external relationships first begin with positive relationships with yourself; how can you apply the Four Crucial C’s in your most important attachments?

       1) Connection

Connection begins in early attachment. People inherently need to feel secure, have a safe emotional landing, and believe that they belong. Our sense of connection enables us to reach out to others, establish trusting relationships, and work well with others.  When connection is underdeveloped or missing, children will attempt to receive attention in any way they can get it. Any attention, to them, is better than no attention. Negative attention-seeking behaviors, susceptibility to peer-pressure, low attachment to others, and even isolation can be sure signs of that a child, or adult, is lacking a solid feeling of connection. If you suspect connection is at the core of concerning behaviors in your home:

A)     Follow your child’s lead. Show interest in their hobbies and spend quality time with them learning about the things they love

B)      Freely give positive attention and do it often! Try ignoring the little things they do (provided it’s safe and doesn't break big rules) that are negative attention-seeking. A little noticing of all they do well or all you love about them can go a really long way.

C)      Accept them-inwardly and outwardly. Recognize their strengths and qualities. Resist criticizing their weaknesses.

      2) Capability

We all need a sense of achievement and mastery. Confidence in knowing we can do things helps us not only feel competent and worthy, but actually increases our self-control. If we feel inadequate, we can learn to become dependent on others for validation. A child or partner who believes they “can’t” will try to control others or behave defiantly; relying on power to fill their inadequacy void. To foster capability in your home:

A)     Provide opportunities to achieve tasks or skills independently. Encourage all efforts and resist doing for your loved one what they can do for themselves.

B)      Use mistakes as a learning opportunity. Avoid correcting or criticizing. Reflect with your child or partner on the mistake and work together to set a plan to achieve success next time.  Model or demonstrate the behaviors or actions you’d like to see.

C)      Notice and appreciate improvement, do not seek perfection.

3) Counting

This one is all about value. “Do I matter? Do I contribute? Do I have a purpose?” We all want, and need, to feel significant. When our value is validated and our contributions are appreciated, we gain a sense of worth and are better equipped to meet, and assume, responsibilities. Feelings of insignificance breed revenge. When we don’t believe we count, we may meet hurt with hurt and fight pain with inflicting pain; attempting to get our needs met through anger and aggression Try implementing these antidotes in your home:

A)     Offer choices. Children feel significant when they are able to make choices, big or small, and have a say in outcomes.

B)      Promote contribution. Ensure that every member in your family has tasks and responsibilities that contribute to the greater good of the family. Appreciate these contributions often.

C)      Discuss what is going well or needs improvement often.  Allow others to share their opinions and do not discredit those opinions.

4) Courage

Courage assumes we have the ability and strength to handle whatever comes our way. In order to face challenges and create resiliency, we have to believe we can get through obstacles. We feel equal, confident, and hopeful about our futures and abilities. When we lack courage, we feel less than; inferior. Often, those lacking courage will simply choose not to try. They are defeated before they begin. There is no hope or optimism. You will notice this in your home as task avoidance, forgetfulness to complete tasks, frustration in attempting to do things, avoidance of relationships, and giving up easily. To build up the courage banks in your loved ones:

A)     Make your words and actions scream “I believe in you!”  Become a master encourager. Be sincere.

B)      Validate frustration. Recognize the fear. “I know you are frustrated, it can be scary to try.”

C)      Make “try your best” your household mantra versus “practice makes perfect.”

D)     Leave competition to the sports fields. Cooperation should be the goal in your home, not a competition. Resist comparisons to others, one-upping, or statements that suggest your child or partner don’t have what it takes to get the job done.

E)      Replace their “I can’t’s” with “How can I help you believe that you can?”

When I first learned these concepts in my training, I, of course, took a good look at how I was or was not supporting them in my own relationships. Initially, I thought, “Easy! Of course I’m doing those things,” but further examination proved that while I had the basics down, I was not actively or intentionally implementing these tools.  In some areas, I found that I was actually impeding these growth points. I had to ask myself how often I was encouraging or supportive, how quickly I grew frustrated or how many times I ignored the signs.  Once again, learning new skills takes practice. We will not do it well or right away, but any effort is a step in the emotionally healthy direction. Just being aware of the behaviors in your home, and taking a look at what they might mean will increase your ability to address them with fostering the Four C’s, I promise!